Growing up in my house and my Grammy’s home, if it was storming outside we turned everything off, hung up the phone, and sat in silence. Praying. In the dark. While I hated those moments, and thought it was dumb at the time, shouts out to my bloodline for teaching me stillness. Stillness is a hardwired, yet underrated, oft forgotten, and abused player in my foundational skill-set. My bringing this skill to it’s rightful place in the forefront is currently under construction, (as I use it heavily in some areas of my life and not others) and I strive for betterment and balance.

It is no secret I love to travel. So much so that I became an independent travel agent. I normally plan and pay for my adventures for the upcoming year in November of the previous year. I am a planner, and I love that my husband and I sit down and talk about the places we want to go ahead of time. I do leave some space and PTO for the impromptu trip, and I do try to get out of town by myself as a means of self care at least once a month.

This year was undoubtedly jammed packed. Starting with every weekend in April, my plan was to be in the wind. We love to cruise, and had four of those on the books for the year that I was excited for and anticipating. 

Welcome in Coronavirus to disrupt the world. I have fought back death more than a few times, so admittedly, I am at peace whenever it is my time to go. I pray that I have touched hearts, been forgiven where needed, and raised my children to be self sufficient, functioning adults contributing to society. When I first heard of the deaths in other countries, I sent up a prayer for those affected and carried on about my life. It wasn’t until we were watching basketball and witnessed the remainder of the season canceled in real time that I began to take the situation at hand a bit more seriously. I had every intention in making a store run when I got paid that Friday, but with many years of living in the north and knowing how people panic when large amounts of snow are predicted, I felt compelled to go to the store at that moment. I wasn’t alone. The store was packed with similar minded people stocking up. For the record, I went not because I was afraid of the unknown, but because I know how people work themselves into a frenzy. Still thinking it’s not that big of a deal, I did what I normally do, bought groceries for the next two weeks. 

The days following were marked with shock, disbelief, elitism, defiance, and selfishness. Surely, I am not the only person who instantly thought of future plans. My birthday cruise was coming up. I had already purchased my flight to spend the weekend with my son for his born day which is two weeks to the day after mine. A trip to Guatemala with a girlfriend was in-between. I had places to be.  

For the most part, I am a homebody when I’m home. I’ll step out to get some fresh air, run regular errands, but other than that, I’m in the house. 

It hits differently when someone tells you that you can’t go do the things you’re accustomed to doing. It makes you do things you normally don’t. So I found myself leaving the house EVERYDAY, just in sheer insubordination. I had decided these plans I had were going to need to be canceled for me BY FORCE for them to be canceled. I know, a void in God-given wisdom…and being stubborn. As someone who has underlying conditions, specifically, breathing issues, and recently having lesions removed from the bottom of my pleura, you would think with earth literally shutting up shop, I would have my ahha moment.

NOPE.

Then I started paying attention to the death toll, followed by one of the closest people in my world posting this tweet:

He and I had just had a conversation a week earlier in our group chat that if there was still an available way, I was out. Ghost. Gone. Deuces. His words instantly became my mindful reminder of stillness and confirmation(to know Rasilliant is to know this is low-key shade) to find a peace about not being able to do what I wanted. ***Sidenote: I deeply love my inner circle. I always welcome a corrective chin check. We will talk about those crazy kids in another blog. Because they deserve.

My rebellious spirit further began to wane when someone I know personally became sick and was in desperate need of help. It hurt my heart that I had to leave what she requested at her doorstep, and couldn’t go in to assist with whatever she needed. Laundry. Doing the dishes. Taking out the trash. I am a giver by nature, and my focus has now shifted to doing all I can to help others. 

This pandemic is far from over, and we have a mighty long way to go. 2020: The Year of Isolation could be a real thing. I can see this current way of life being our new normal more than our government wants to let on, and definitely longer than we may want to believe. My heart goes out to this year’s Senior class, as their right of passage to adulthood was cut short with so little fanfare. While earth’s closing has altered our plans for the foreseeable future, I pray that we all remain compassionate to our fellow man, especially the now unemployed. I pray all who are unwell find total restoration, and for those we have already lost, I pray for their families. I pray for everyone who is helping. The folks behind the scenes who don’t get enough credit. I pray for and over my husband every morning as he sets out for his 17 hr day. I pray this post finds you and your family well and taking all necessary precautions. I pray for us all to have patience, and we don’t go without even our tiniest needs met. 

Being mindful to be still. Mother Nature, human error, and The Creator are speaking. I am at peace with being saddown, and saddown I’ll remain until the coast is clear that I can answer the wind.