When I first decided that I was going to create a blog again, I had to come to agreement with myself that this time there would be no pressure in writing. I think that being unbalanced in life hindered me in the past, I’d push myself to the point of being overwhelmed, and in frustration of mounting disappointment with myself, I would become uninterested. My attention span grows shorter by the day, as is. This time around, with a better understanding of myself, I wanted my blog to be natural and organic. Most important to me is I wanted it to be real. I use this blog to reflect my true thoughts and feelings…to be in tune with how centered my life is now. There is such beauty moving at your own pace, when your soul says move. There is nothing forced in my life, something that I relish and am thankful for everyday. Be it I post once a month, or every 6 months, I am content in my joy of knowing I am writing with my heart as my guide. Every year, I choose a word that becomes apart of my daily mantra. Last year’s word was INTENTIONAL, and I focused my energy on being very intentional in all walks of my life. My actions, desires, needs, dreams, goals were to be carried out with intention. If there was no purpose, there was no point. I loved how more transformed my thinking and my movements became. So when I was thinking of what this year’s word would be, as with previous(2018 was LOVE) years,I knew I had to expand on the past ones. My word for 2020 is PERFORMATIVE. Be it business decisions, or the dynamics of interacting with friends and family, my intention is to do nothing for show.   

Ahem.

A poem.

Roses are Red

Violets are Blue

If I’m monosyllabic when you speak to me

That means your Juju is bad and IDFWU.

I have learned, to be my best authentic self is to be quiet. I enjoy the stillness. There’s nothing climatic or exciting about me. Peace resides here, and I am now realizing just how much I thrive in not only keeping to myself, but having a smaller sphere that is like minded and understanding. I deserve and have unyielding gratitude for this level of growth. Self preservation and protecting my peace above all else. In putting myself first, I’ve lost some connections along the way. And while I don’t feel I’m required to give anyone closure, I still am sending love, light, and well wishes from afar. 

In my younger years, I was a wild child, with an extremely wide mouth. Unsupervised and unruly, there were no internal rules or guidelines, and more often than not, I was simply loud and wrong. I was forced into adulthood at a very young age, and I learned quickly to keep my feelings safely barricaded behind the facade. 

The facade.

Something I have been extraordinarily exceptional at since an extremely young age. Never show your hand. No one is allowed to be too close, for they would know the real you…and seriously Michelle, who in the world wants to know the real you? Rediscovery of self is hard, unimaginable, grimy work. It’s ugly. It’s striping down to the bare bones, disposing of the facade, asking for forgiveness where warranted, and building. Learning. Evolving. But oh the beauty on the other side! Freedom from the facade released me from any dire need for inclusion, which at times has previously felt….performative. I no longer feel obligated to participate when whatever it may be is not aligned with where I am. 

I have learned to forgive myself. To be kind to my star player. I have learned to appreciate self care more. Say less. Meditate more. Solitude…..more. I embrace falling forward, floating towards the new.

May this find you being grounded in your truest self. May you continue to be comfortable in not only your skin and in what works for you…but in standing firm against what doesn’t.